Alone with my thoughts

Dad..................... Fathers day. A man I never got to know but is literally half of me.  I spent forty years looking for answers.  Knowing that I may never find them.  Then one click on an app of all things and there is was.  A match. A chromosomal match.  I had taken that test with my half sister so I could rule out the matches that would lead me back to my mother.  This day, that match, related to someone more than my sister more than the only people I have known as family.  Right there waiting for me to answer. Longest two hours of my life.  I sent an email with my theory that I was the half sister to this match.   I was right.  My brother John.  Graduated in 1989 from the very same high school I did.  I can say the words my brother from another mother.  Still makes me laugh. He didn't know I existed either. It never even occurred to me when I spit in that tube that one day I would find a sibling also. It neve...

YES... After months of saying no we can't go here no we can't do that  no we can't see them.  I said enough Kaitlyn wanted to make french toast by herself YES.  Kaitlyn wanted to go to the beach and float YES.  The older three want to join a mine-craft world together and eat pizza in the living room YES.  I spend so much of my time worrying about bills and life  years from now and where will be that I keep missing where we are. In the middle of writing this I found out a dear friend of mine at the young age of 38 left us and this earth and I am just at a loss.  How can someone whose been through so much and overcome so much just be gone.  It makes today's yes's mean that much more.  NO more wasting time.  Live today fully and proudly.  Live with love and express it whenever you can. Don't wait for tomorrow because all to often tomorrow is never promised.  I need to let go and be the parent these girls deserve. Be a mom I can be...

So I had a day yesterday. Self reflection sometimes dredges up a lot of the unexpected.  Let me start with I have an amazing life.  I have wonderful children,  an amazing husband, a fantastic job, a beautiful home and somehow I still find myself wanting.  There a thousand things I am so grateful for yet I feel sometimes I am just a spectator in my own life.  I am always scheduling this or that running someone here or there.  Always checking in those who need it.  Trying to help where I can in my quiet behind the scenes way.  Wanting.... Wanting to eat better, wanting to be better, wanting to find time to read the stack of books I continue to buy but never have time for.  Wanting to do the cross stitch patterns I have had for years and never come back to.  Wanting without feeling guilty to do things that I find interesting.  That usually doesn't happen as there just are not enough hours in the day and things have to get done.  W...

Hi.... How do people start these things without being completely unoriginal?  Thousands of thoughts come rushing forward wanting to be first. Wanting to be clever, and successful, funny and liked. I have spent more time on social media these last few months than years past and it has given me the time to read and reflect on people and situations out of my control. There are a couple of women I follow and they are in the midst of what I would call an awakening.  Starting fires and rekindling flames from within.  It has caused me a second of pause and reflection on my surroundings.  Have I been true to my core? What is it I want from this life that is not certain to be here tomorrow? Then my train of thought is interrupted by dinner or the dogs or all the million things that need to be done that can not wait as I am the saver of the world. LOL My world consists of four teenage daughters, three dogs, a turtle, a hamster and a husband. More bills than sometimes I know wh...