No fucking idea

 I have so much.....

I have so much.....

Why do I constantly feel like something is missing, I am missing, my work is missing, 

I just can't stand the idea that I might not be enough. Do enough. I crave acceptance and approval and all the while claim I don't care.  I need to hear that what I have done is right or good or up to par.  I dont understand why I need these things or why they in fact matter.  I think we like to be told we are good or did good or are enough but others just claim they don't care and then there are those of us that claim not to care but secretly do so so much.


I find when I write even then I am trying to pour words out in such a way that will connect or inspire and get me that seal of approval and I just don't understand the need. 

I wish for a lot of things, mostly these days time.  More time with my babies more time to do things I love more time to make more money to pay for the poor choices of my youth and inexperience with my finances.

More time to love my husband we found each other later than I would have liked but yet know we found each other when we were supposed to.  I wish I had more time to go back to school to pursue the jobs I would have loved to do.  I wish for more freedom and more time to learn from those that left us to soon. I would love to know more about gardening.  I can grow things but I know I could do better. 

 

12.12.2021 

For some reason I didn't publish this a year ago.  Sadly it still rings very true today. I have taken on more with not much acknowledgement and I find myself resentful, tired, angry and distant from those that love me.  I am just so fucking tired of sinking every damn day.  I want to blissfully enjoy the holiday season and not say repeatedly that I wish they were over.  I am just tired.  

 I want to have time to have hobbies and not feel like I am failing everyone all the time.  Fucking failing all the time.  Life of a mom I guess.


Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Fathers day

Dad..................... Fathers day. A man I never got to know but is literally half of me.  I spent forty years looking for answers.  Knowing that I may never find them.  Then one click on an app of all things and there is was.  A match. A chromosomal match.  I had taken that test with my half sister so I could rule out the matches that would lead me back to my mother.  This day, that match, related to someone more than my sister more than the only people I have known as family.  Right there waiting for me to answer. Longest two hours of my life.  I sent an email with my theory that I was the half sister to this match.   I was right.  My brother John.  Graduated in 1989 from the very same high school I did.  I can say the words my brother from another mother.  Still makes me laugh. He didn't know I existed either. It never even occurred to me when I spit in that tube that one day I would find a sibling also. It neve...
Read more

Starting

Hi.... How do people start these things without being completely unoriginal?  Thousands of thoughts come rushing forward wanting to be first. Wanting to be clever, and successful, funny and liked. I have spent more time on social media these last few months than years past and it has given me the time to read and reflect on people and situations out of my control. There are a couple of women I follow and they are in the midst of what I would call an awakening.  Starting fires and rekindling flames from within.  It has caused me a second of pause and reflection on my surroundings.  Have I been true to my core? What is it I want from this life that is not certain to be here tomorrow? Then my train of thought is interrupted by dinner or the dogs or all the million things that need to be done that can not wait as I am the saver of the world. LOL My world consists of four teenage daughters, three dogs, a turtle, a hamster and a husband. More bills than sometimes I know wh...
Read more

Wanting

So I had a day yesterday. Self reflection sometimes dredges up a lot of the unexpected.  Let me start with I have an amazing life.  I have wonderful children,  an amazing husband, a fantastic job, a beautiful home and somehow I still find myself wanting.  There a thousand things I am so grateful for yet I feel sometimes I am just a spectator in my own life.  I am always scheduling this or that running someone here or there.  Always checking in those who need it.  Trying to help where I can in my quiet behind the scenes way.  Wanting.... Wanting to eat better, wanting to be better, wanting to find time to read the stack of books I continue to buy but never have time for.  Wanting to do the cross stitch patterns I have had for years and never come back to.  Wanting without feeling guilty to do things that I find interesting.  That usually doesn't happen as there just are not enough hours in the day and things have to get done.  W...
Read more